my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
