Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
time to smoke my breakfast
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
