She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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