i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize