if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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