Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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