Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
