a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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