my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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