o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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