I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
