the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
