but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
