There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
