Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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