my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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