I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
