somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
