Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize