the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
