I looked at my own cervix.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
