I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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