And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
