I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
