this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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