a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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