When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
