when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize