new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
