I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I want her autograph on my taint
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
