My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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