well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
