It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
