Just cropdusted the office
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
