My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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