a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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