fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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