Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
