This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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