So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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