Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
