Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
