i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
