My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
