Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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