She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Houston, we have a squirter
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
