He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
