my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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