its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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