I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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