that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
