I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You made out with two different species that night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
