then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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