i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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