If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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