I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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