True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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