Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
